The not so pretty truth

“Inconceivable!”

“You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.” -The Princess Bride

That “I love you” phrase is completely inconceivable to me. I’m constantly challenged to accept others perception that I’m good and worth something.

Are you sure? I don’t think you know what you’re saying. I will try to be polite… Thank you?

People tell me often that they like me. They tell me they love me. They tell me they’re happy I’m in their lives.

So just to clue you in… Here’s something they don’t tell you about mental health… Words that mean one thing to you mean something else to me.

When I say I love you, it is 100% the truth. You really have made an impact in my life. I would be lost if anything ever happened to you. I need and want you.

When you say ‘I love you,’ it means there’s something about me you kind of like.

In my mind ‘I love you’ is like saying ‘I love this shirt.’ It’s a good shirt. I like that I have it! It’s comfortable but in all it’s just a shirt. I would be super bummed if it got given to Goodwill, but whatever.

This concept just doesn’t come naturally. This is where people don’t understand my mental health.

I’m not being falsely humble. I am genuinely surprise and confused when I realize what you mean by saying I love you.

How could someone like you, someone I see as amazing, like someone like me?

I understand that every ladder needs a bottom rung. I understand that I am useful… I even get that I am liked! But loved?

If I look at you awkwardly, please please do not be offended. You’re using a foreign language, and I have to learn to understand it. This is a lesson I learn over and over and over… Then you remind me, and I have to learn again.

I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I know. The people that choose to spend time with me are amazing. There are a lot of you!

You are my team, my tribe, my family.

This is something I need people to know about my mental health. I know in my mind that it’s true, but I just don’t know why you mean it.

As I’m learning this lesson, please be patient. I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just trying to process. It has taken several years to get to this point. Maybe one day it will be easy, but until then you might have to remind me.