The not so pretty truth

This could be heavy,
Not as easy as it seems,
Quite tough to carry;
A lot more inside no-one has seen.

But you lying there,
You’re not one bit scared
To shoulder a burden like me.

I’m in a bit of a conundrum. If I talk to people about my emotional state, sometimes it scares them. If I don’t talk to people about my emotional state, sometimes it scares me.

I’m a very discreet person. I don’t tell a lot of people about my life. I sprinkle the facts. You know a little bit about this area, that person knows a little bit about that area, but there are very few people (besides my medical professionals) that know it all.

My 40th birthday party, my three oldest soul sharing best friends were together for the first time. I have a picture to prove it! I teased one of them, “I can’t leave you guys alone, because then you’d all know everything.”

But… That is the actual truth. I compartmentalize my life because if anyone knew the whole me, I fear no one would like me.

These three have specialized tasks. I text one, and ask for a joke. This is their role, they know I’m so deep in my head that I need something to distract me. Pretty much the same knock-knock joke every time, but it works for me. I call the next, and say just talk. This role is because I sit in parking lots consumed by fear or emotion. They talk while I drive home. The third is my physical contact. Without saying a word, I sit down and let our knees touch. The small act of physical contact with this specific person makes me feel safe.

While at times these roles can be filled by one of the others, these specific tasks will always be for these specific people.

I’m actively trying to change this. I want to be real with everyone. I want to trust that people love me for me, and want to be part of my journey.

That is one of the reasons I created this blog. To talk about the ugly, and take away some of the stigma. When I get ‘the sads’ how do I talk about it without scaring someone?

Suicide is a word that scares people… It scares me. But in truth sometimes I think about it a lot. It can be the first waking thought. It can mean I just cut someone off and I feel bad. It can also mean I have a plan.

I need to find the balance of being honest and not letting people be afraid.

When I say, “I’m going to sleep and I hope I never wake up,” one person says, ‘okay I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’ Another is ready to break down my door.

This is an actual conversation that I had. In my head it means I need a nap. The act of taking a nap is huge for me. Most times when I’m having a bad moment, if I take a little snooze, I wake up fine.

In their head it created pictures of pill popping.

Our conversation was big. We had a talk, more than one, about this. I felt so guilty. I know how it feels to worry.

So this is the reason for today’s post. If I say something about suicide casually or seriously and it scares you please ask me.

Call me on it right away.

If I trust you enough to say something, I trust you to be blunt and be mad. The silent and scared is what worries me.

This being honest business isn’t easy. There will be growing pains. Suicidal people are very heavy weights. I personally can’t carry someone else’s weight*… so I understand if you can’t.

I am grateful for the people in my life. The ones that want to know the true Erica. Thank you for being here. Just knowing you are there is such an amazing help.

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*I am learning to swim. I love to talk to people, I love to hear your stories. I encourage you to watch me. I encourage you to talk to people.

If you are in a place of active thoughts, I implore you to speak to people who are not also suicidal. This act can unfortunately sink you both.

If you are suicidal please get help. Call the crisis line at 1-800-273-8255. Find a doctor you trust and get on medication. Seek out a counselor that you can be real with.

Learn skills from others. Let’s keep swimming together.

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