I wrote this in December 2019. I just came across it and felt I should share.
I started this blog to communicate who I am and to encourage others that struggle. I hope this post shares both.
I am feeling very rational at the moment… Which hasn’t happened in the last few weeks.
I struggle with depression and anxiety. Last week something set me off. It has caused bad dreams, the lack of sleep has caused high emotions, and in general fear around every corner.
This morning I heard people talking outside, and I found myself very still. Afraid they would hear me or know I am home…
It’s an irrational fear.
It doesn’t take a detective to figure out I’m here. My car is parked out front. They actually would assume I’m at home if they cared. The reality is they don’t. They didn’t think about me at all.
This morning my cat played with a paper bag and I jumped out of bed. Later I was standing in the kitchen. Someone walked in front of my home and I threw the bowl in my hands with surprise.
This fear consumes me. This fear causes me to sneak out of events, to worry my best friends hate me, to think the Christmas gift I gave was stupid and my family is just being polite, that my boss only tolerates me.
Rationally, I know this is not true… But on days like this, I star in my own private horror movie.
I’m not writing this for sympathy. I do not need that at all. I’m writing in hope it will help you understand… You will know why I didn’t answer your text, I asked you not to touch me, said sorry again…
If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be hurt. I would try to understand… I would say with all sincerity how much I love you, and even though I don’t understand I am here… And I would be sad that you didn’t believe me.
Please forgive me when I am in this place. Please know it is not you. It’s an irrational beast that covers my eyes, and scares me with it’s darkness.
If you are reading this, it means you are one of my people. The people I would be lost without. Thank you for loving me.
The not so pretty truth 
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