The not so pretty truth

First I want to clarify after researching that lifeguards do not punch you. They are trained to swim up from behind and hold you by the neck.

I just got punched.

Not literally, I was told to not contact someone for 72 hours.

In my past I have learned that people abandon you. Everything feels like it’s going great, a mistake is made, then abandonment begins.

It has happened multiple times to me.

Well this week I hurt someone. They were angry and hurt.

I was mortified.

When you’ve had people hurt you and abandon you, the perceived fear is that everyone else will too.

Sometime within the last few days I lost self-control. In my desire to “save” the relationship I have been hounding them with apologies. I have been pouring out my heart, expressing how horrible I feel.

Thinking if I could only get them to see how afraid I am, they would understand.

In my last attempt, I sent a desperate message in the middle of the night. I told them how afraid I was. I told them how I felt like a puppy in the corner that’s been beaten.

Their response?

I was told to not contact them for 72 hours.

To my great surprise, I am relieved.

I have been told in the past when somebody is panicking in the water, a lifeguard will knock them out. They knock you out for both of your safety. They don’t want to be pushed under the water because a panicking person is clawing at them.

Desperate people do desperate things. When someone is panicking they will grab at anyting.

The last few days I have been desperate. Instead of being quiet and giving them space to heal – I’ve been screaming at them to rescue me.

I didn’t realize I was doing it. I didn’t realize I was damaging them. I am so egocentric, I have taken their problem and made it about me.

When they said this, I felt like I was punched in the chest. How could they say that when I’m so afraid? But thank God they said it. For the first time in over 24 hours I feel like I can relax. I just let out a big sigh and I said thank you.

In that small action, I felt the most loved. They don’t want to get rid of me, they just need space.

Why are these lessons so hard? Why can’t I trust people? Why is my brain constantly screaming at me? Why can I not stop talking?

I’m sure there’s some scientific reason about chemicals and brain stuff.

At this moment, I don’t care.

At this moment, I feel awake.

We will see how the next 72 hours go, but right now I feel relieved.