The not so pretty truth

I updated this today 4\14\21.

I am reposting this song (Weight of a Man) because I meant it. Joining me for this journey is not easy.

This week I have been afraid, sad, manic, euphoric, dangerous, honest…

I have discovered some really hard truths about myself and gained more understanding about Borderline Personality Disorder.

I realize I take a lot for granted. I blame my sickness for my bad behavior. I also realize some of my bad behavior is because I’m sick.

So what do you do with this? How can I use what I learned this week to grow?

First Hard Truth: I lie more than I thought I did.

You may have already read my blog from a few days ago. I read an article about people with BPD and telling lies.

The article gives reason we may struggle with this… Honestly, a lot of times, I don’t realize what I’m doing… Until it is 1o minutes too late.

Because I believe knowledge is responsibility, this behavior needs to change. I’m endeavoring to speak the whole truth.

Second Hard Truth: I speak in circles.

I often ask, “Am I speaking French?”

I find people don’t always understand me. This may be from being dyslexic, but having BPD I take it very personally.

This week I learned that it’s hard for some people to keep up with me. I switch thoughts mid-sentence, and have a little bit of a lisp.

I don’t know how to change this one, but now that I recognize it, it will help my conversations in the future.

Third Hard Truth: Sometimes, I honestly don’t understand.

This may be because I speak in a different language, but at times I don’t understand what people are saying.

I will believe we are both on the same page and have come to a mutual understanding. Then the next day I discover we are reading different books.

I need to learn to ask for clarification.

Fourth Hard Truth: I am egocentric.

For someone that genuinely cares so much about other people… For someone that hates to see others feeling left out or abandoned… For someone that genuinely love’s others… I sure make it about me a lot.

When bad things happen, I make it about me. I take things personally, and I assume your life problem is my fault.

When you are dealing with your own personal crisis, I have fear. That fear doesn’t let me see your problem, it shouts that I need help.

Hardest Hard Truth: I now understand why people leave.

I have established a pattern in my life. The people who get too close to me, will eventually leave. This has happened to me, in heartbreaking ways, four times.

I am in constant fear that the fifth is going to happen any minute.

I understand now, my egocentric thinking, can cause others pain.

I was once told to be less authentic. I have been so mad and hurt by this statement for so many years…

I realized in reality, they thought they were helping me.

I was in a manic place, and they couldn’t find a way to communicate that I understood. I exhausted their grace, and they had to leave. They couldn’t handle me.

I knew people leave, but it magnified the reason. When life gets hard I am a lot.

When my fear is triggered I am crazy.

I try to warn people. They think I am joking, don’t understand or just don’t believe me… But it happens.

This week I have also learned some really good lessons. Things that were amazing.

First Sweet Truth: Euphoric episodes are awesome!

Not much to say on this one, but I experienced my first manic upper. For a minute I felt invincible, brave, like I am a good person… and it was really nice to have a break from the normal negative.

Second Sweet Truth: I continue to have an amazing support team.

Eight years ago this month, I had a manic breakdown. I decided my life was not worth living. I was put in the hospital…

My team? They are still here.

Unlike the people that leave, they find the strength to take me on.

I don’t understand why they stay, but they do. I hurt them, but they stay. I call them sobbing and instead of being annoyed, they breathe with me. I take them for granted, but here they are still. I have tried to get rid of them, but they’re stuck like glue.

This week they have helped enlighten my path. With every new hard truth I would contact one of them shocked… Guess what I just learned! They confirmed it with honesty and love.

They already knew all of them… But they stay.

They standby when I am lost. They are so strong. They could find much better friends, but they stay.

I warned them, this could be heavy… It is not as easy as it seems. I am quite tough to carry, there is a lot more inside that no one has seen.

Weight of a Man
By Russell Crowe & Alan Doyal

This could be heavy,not as easy as it seems.

Quite tough to carry, a lot more inside that no-one has seen.

But you lying there, you're not one bit scared to shoulder a burden like me.

So don't close your eyes,
turn your face to the skies,
and breath me as deep as you can.

Your strong heart won't break,
are you ready to take the weight of a man?

I'm so hard to handle.

My life's a suitcase that's never been closed.

Don't know how you stand me,
oh how you love me, God only knows.

There's ghosts and there's witches.

There's black eyes and stitches.

They come with me, it's part of the show.

Don't close your eyes,
turn your face to the skies,
and breath me as deep as you can.

Your strong heart won't break,
are you ready to take the weight of a man?

Suspended on air, because you're lying there.

You shift me slightly and find inspiration.

Cause those witches and ghosts, play some havoc with their host.

You make me lighter, you're my salvation.

This could be heavy, not as easy as it seems.

Quite tough to carry,a lot more inside that no-one has seen.

But you lying there,
you're not one bit scared to shoulder a burden like me.

So don't close your eyes,
turn your face to the skies, and breath me, as deep as you can.

Your strong heart won't break,
are you ready to take the weight of a man?