The not so pretty truth

The last few weeks I’ve been reading a lot about borderline personality disorder. Most of the articles talk about how hard we are to deal with, and how we hurt the people we love often.

Now that I understand why… how do I fix it? I sincerely have no idea how to proceed.

Since the 72 hours were up I’ve heard the following: I’m not ready to talk on the phone yet. I don’t know about having you at my home.

The 72 hours ended, but then I went out of town. When I came back, they were very ill. The first time I have been able to see them was Friday. We had a long talk about miscommunications. It felt really good afterwards.

The next day I asked if it was okay to call. It seemed to go fine. We talked for a while and then finished pleasantly.

So why am I so empty today?

All of the Articles I’ve read today reiterate the need for boundaries. I don’t understand what my boundaries are though.

How long will I have to ask permission speak with them? How long will it be until they reach out first?

After reading these articles about how hard it is to love someone with BPD, why should I even try anymore?

The amount of growth I’ve had in the last few years is phenomenal. The amount of realization I’ve had in the past few weeks is insane.

So today I’m going to use the STOP skill.

• S: Stop. Dont react.
• T: Take a step back. Take a breath.
• O: Observe what am I thinking and feeling?
• P: Proceed with wise mind.

Stop reading these articles. They’re causing fear and self-loathing.

Take a step back and take a deep breath.

I’m observing that I feel lonely. I have a thought that I will never be able to love. My heart feels heavy. I am feeling worried about the thought, “There’s no hope of change.”

What does wise mind say? My thoughts are just thoughts and my feelings are just feelings. The truth is I am doing the best that I can.

I will ask for clarification on communication. I’m trying so hard not to be overly sensitive, respecting their boundaries, and being mindful of my actions.