The not so pretty truth

Manipulate is a verb. Here is the definition found by Google Dictionary:

1. handle or control (a tool, mechanism, etc.), typically in a skillful manner.
2. control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.

Is this something everyone struggles with or is a special gift given to Borderline Personality peeps?

There is no way I would purposefully be manipulative… But in the hidden depths of my BPD brain – when I want something, I will find a way… Even if its dirty.

Looking back through this new lens, I see how my actions affected the outcome more than once. The truths that I purposefully hid, the threats I silently issued, the positive reinforcement I set to get my way.

Like a few weeks ago when I realized how much I lie, this new revelation makes me feel atrocious.

When did I learn it? How have I not recognized it until now? But I woke up seeing it today.

I purposefully set someone up for failure. I saw a mistake they made, and instead of confronting them, I snuck it into a conversation to make them look like the bad guy. By doing so I justified my choice to do something that I wanted. This something is not what they wanted, but were now obligated to allow.

This is me? Im disgusted.

Five months ago I was a sweet, generous and loving person comfortable in my ignorant bliss.

Now???

Now I feel like a monster.

The reality is… Truth equals responsibility. I see the errors in my way when I didnt last week.

So now is the time to grow and change.

Today I am a sweet, generous and loving person uncomfortable in my not so pretty truth.