The not so pretty truth

Recently someone said, you have a support team… it’s different for me. 

One thing I have learned as a Borderline Personality person is that I cannot be a lifeguard.  This is really difficult for me.  I do suicide prevention events, I encourage people with the lessons I am learning, I write a blog in hope other folks feel like they are not alone.

The one thing I have always asked?  Please, feel free to watch me swim.  Learn how to live this life by my good and bad examples… but for the love of God, please get a lifeguard. 

When life hits and you are flailing, I can tell you how I managed that situation.  I can point out the things I have learned.  I can yell for you to calm down, because I know the panic only brings harm… but I can’t save you.  I’ve tried.  You know what happens?  I drown too.

And people say but you have a team… You have a good doctor… You have these advantages. 

Really? The only truth is that I have BPD. 

I struggle! I’ve been put on suicide watch more times that I can accurately count. I have gone through multiple psychiatrist and counselors.  My friend list ebbs and flows.  I have been ignored by members of my support team.  I have been yelled at by members of my support team.  I have made all of them cry multiple times… They have made me cry more, but we are not keeping score.

Borderline Personality is ugly.  It is rude.  It is manipulative.  It is self-centered. It lies, and tries to steal a life worth living.  It will NEVER go away, but one thing we can do is learn how to manage it when it comes.

You know how I have an amazing support team?  Hard work.

You know how I have a good doctor?  Hard work.

My advantages?  Hard fucking work.

Hard work is vital. 

I have a counselor that I am not afraid I will offend… after many that I wanted to impress.  It’s amazing how much I want them to like me.  Here is a secret though: they are paid to do this service, it is a service they went to school for.  While it’s important to find one you like and it’s OK to want to be a better person, it is NEVER ok to hide the truth with these folks.  Remember, they are not your peer; they are your paid support.

I found a psychiatrist and family doctor that I can be blunt with… after cowering with other doctors, and not speaking up for myself.  I have found a medication cocktail that works for me, and when it doesn’t I talk to my doctors. 

I joined DBT (Here is the link), and have done the full class multiple times.  This is my learning to be a human class, and if you actually put it into practice, life does becomes more manageable (not perfect – manageable).

I tell my team when I am having a good day.  I tell them when I am having a bad day.  I ask for accountability.  I ask them who am I, because sometimes I don’t honestly know.  I get real… and I love and accept them where they are.  I remind them who they are.  I let them be real with me. 

If you really want to change, please get a support team.  You are the only one that can change your life.  Make the choice to do it.

It has taken years to find this balance, and honestly one bad day can throw it away.  That is why I have a support team, because at times, I want to throw it away, and one of them will be there to remind me why I should not.