The not so pretty truth

I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to exist. There is this middle where my heart longs to be.

It is the place that my actions don’t have consequences. It’s a place where people don’t think about me. It is a place of rest where I can hide.

This morning the question of why is on my mind. Its so ugly, and it is so silly… Because I know tomorrow I will feel better.

In a few days I will want to see people I love. In a few weeks I will remember I love being at work. In a few months I will laugh at something my friend says. In a few years this moment… Will not even be a memory.

But this moment is when the middle would be nice. This day is heavy and it’s not even 6 am. This morning I am tired in the way that no amount of sleep can fix. This moment I just wish I wasn’t here. This is the moment of why.

Why is it so hard sometimes?

Why does it hurt physically?

Why do I go to the place where it seams nothing I do is right?

Why do I hurt people I love?

Why am I here? No really, why?

I know tomorrow the sun will come out. I know soon I will love hearing the sound of a baby laugh. I know that again I will love the feeling of the ocean on my feet. I know life is worth living.

I just want a day off – just to not hurt.

If you’re in crisis, there are options available to help you cope. You can call the Suicide Lifeline at any time to speak to someone and get support. Call 1-800-273-8255.