The not so pretty truth

This writing involves childhood trauma. The title is triggered and that’s what the conversation is about. I do not want to trigger others… If you are reach out for help. You are not alone. Call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Triggered is such an ugly word.

I hate it.

It’s become a dirty word in my brain. When other people use it I get skeptical. When I use it I feel icky.

But what other word is there?

A few months ago I was flailing. I have read my writings since March and I can’t believe how much I still don’t understand.

I experienced my first big love. This was the first time I saw my future.  I was excited for this journey. It was so good for a long time.

But the first time we have a huge fight, I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know how to handle the space they needed. I just knew that I was afraid. I felt alone.

I tried everything I could think of to fix the relationship, but it didn’t work. Every time I said something I felt like I was hurting them. Every time I didn’t say anything, I felt like I was hurting myself.

A few weeks ago I was triggered.

After a constant battle in my mind and weeks of desiring physical affection I got it.

I loved it.

I actually cried in their arms.

I felt like I was forgiven and then felt like I was loved. I didn’t want the moment to end. But all good things must come to an end and our evening was over.

I went to bed on cloud nine.

The next morning I woke up in a very dark place though. Sometime in the night my brain remembered images of feeling loved, and realizing it wasn’t love.

I remembered intimacy is a game. Being held – being loved – at one time in my life was a weapon.

A few weeks ago I was so desperate, I needed love so badly… This wonderful experience the night before became tainted.

Childhood trauma is real.

There are so many mixed emotions that come from abuse.

The person that abused me is someone I loved. They were someone I wanted to be like.

I hate to admit it, but the moments before the abuse became the moments I loved. They were the quiet moments where I got all of the attention…

Please do not read this wrong. Every moment was pre-planned to seduce me. Men who like children have techniques to make lonely children feel special. This is why they are able to abuse children.

It’s the candy. It’s the gifts. It’s the special attention…

After every experience after all of the years I hated myself. I blamed myself for letting it happen every single time.

But the ugly truth is, being paid attention to feels good…

After years of experiencing abuse, I learned to use my sexuality to get the attention I wanted.

The night before, I had been desperate for affection. Had I used my sexuality to get it? Was this a moment of manipulation?

If you’ve read my earlier stuff you know I can be manipulative. You also know I live in my head. Every action I take plays over and over and over and over and over and over in my brain.

I decided to think on it. A few days later I tried to explain. I tried to tell them how I felt. I really felt like I said I was triggered, but my words didn’t come out right or they didn’t hear them because that was our last conversation.

Our relationship ended very abruptly. All the time that we had invested was gone. In one fatal swoop I destroyed it.

Now my brain is going over everything over and over and over.

Looking back on the last several months, I know it’s a good thing that we ended. I was never able to communicate in a way they understood… and I was just hurting us.

The last two weeks have been brutal. I hate myself. I have wanted to hurt myself. I have wanted to be loved. The lonely has been overwhelming.

So here I am again letting the world see the ugly truth of my life. There’s also something very beautiful happening.

Healing.

I saw this posted somewhere. I loved it. Please take a moment and really listen to it. Let your heart remember.

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