The not so pretty truth

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One thing I have learned about people with borderline personality disorder is that they are very self focused.

I’ve written it in previous blogs, how I don’t recognize other people’s reactions. These reactions are outside of me. They can be completely unrelated to me. They have nothing to do with me. Yet somehow I make it about myself.

In my mind I know they are dealing with things in their own life, but my ego forgets.

It forgot the other day… Hence the reason for this blog. It gave me an opportunity to grow, and a beautiful realization that sucked.

My friend and I have a weekly tentative plan. Most of the time it is on a certain day… but honestly I don’t think either of us know what day that is.

On one of the days I thought were mine, my friend changed plans on me. Like I said our plans were very tentative… They told me they had an opportunity to do something really fun for free.

I being the perfect friends that I am was excited. How cool this opportunity arose! It’s not everyday that you get to do these things.

I told them to have fun, and let me know how it goes. I really wanted to know how it was. I really wanted them to have fun.

Later I got curious about who they were having fun with. It’s really none of my business… but soon something was off with my emotions.

I went through my mental list of emotions trying to understand…

Jealousy? Am I jealous that they are spending time with someone else? No not at all… I’m happy they have friends outside of me.

Envy? Am I envious that they get to do something I don’t get to do? No not at all… I had no desire to go where they went.

Sad? No. Mad? No. Hurt? Maybe.

Thank God I have friends who understand my mental health issues. They are really good about helping me understand the situation from an outside perspective. I called them.

After going through the list again we came up on hurt. Now to dissect it. Why was I hurt?

It turns out I was hurt because I didn’t know who they went with. I know the names of their circle. Most of the time they say, “I’m doing such and such with so-and-so.”

This time they told me they were doing such and such… But omitted the so-and-so.

My logical brain said that is just silly. Who cares who it is? Could be their mom could be their best friend.

My friend and her blunt brilliance said, “You’re not as important as you think you are.”

What?

Really.

Ouch.

Really.

Really?

Really.

This omission of detail, a detail that is not a big deal. This omission reminded me it isn’t my business. They could be going with a new partner. They could be going with the Pope.

Here I was experiencing this new feeling. Remembering it’s not all about me. I know this happens when bad things are occurring, and now they happen when good things occur?

Here I am again taking someone else’s experience and putting myself at the center of it.

Will this ever change? Will I ever see beforehand? Will I always take other people’s experiences and ask why it’s not about me?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I need to be constantly growing and learning. Now that I recognize this fact maybe in the future I will recognize it sooner.

And now to answer all of those people who have been asking this question since the beginning… Why didn’t you just ask?

Because I knew it was none of my business, and I didn’t want to come across as that nosy friend. Again I’m very egocentric and those things matter to me… I assume their reaction is going to be negative if I ask. But I will write a blog about that later.

And now to answer all those people who have been asking this question since the beginning… Who was it?

It’s none of your business.

Really.

It’s okay that it’s none of your business. It’s okay not to know everything about everyone. It’s okay to remember we are not as important as we think we are.

Because in the end, my life is nobody’s business. If I want people to respect my anonymity, why would I ever compromise theirs?