The not so pretty truth

As I’ve discussed multiple times now I am learning more and more how it’s not about me.

My friend seems to have life going on all the time. She is fighting with this person, or falling in love with that person, or experiencing big life events.  She is amazing and lives a big life. She is full throttle.

The vast majority of the time this ride is so fun… but sometimes it’s pretty exhausting. I’m currently having a sometimes situation.

I know I’m codependent and I know our relationship need some work… But she is my person.  Always.

She’s going through some big life stuff. I want to protect her. I want to be there for her. But I’m realizing I can’t take on her situation. It’s not mine.

I have a few friends that I have put on the back burner because I’m exhausted.

I have a friend who sent me a message I can’t open because I’m afraid it’s going to take away one of my spoons.

I have a date today, and I’m already trying to figure out a way to make it as easy as possible because I’m just wiped out.

Last night my person and I were talking about this subject. She does not want me to take on her life as my own.  She wants me to enjoy my date today. She wants me to be happy and healthy. So why do I feel so bad about it?

The truth is actually pretty simple. I know what it feels like to have my life spinning out of control and having no one there with me. The thought of anybody suffering hurts my heart.  I decided a long time ago I wouldn’t be a person who sits on the sidelines. I would be there for people.

I am currently taking DBT…

Total side note: if you have borderline personality disorder I highly suggest researching this. I call it my how to be human class. Here’s a link If you want more information.

… this week my homework was to challenge certain thoughts. One of the thoughts, “I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others.” Is so difficult to challenge.

I believe this to my core.

It turns out this is something that people with BPD struggle with. This is not a thought that most people have.

I realized I feel so deeply for other people… I get lost. When I say I’m tired I feel selfish. When I can’t be everything people need I feel like I’m letting them down.

So this morning I’m going to challenge this thought. ‘I should take care of my own needs so I can be there when other people have needs.’

I feel selfish just saying it, but it’s true.

I’m going to say it again: ‘I should take care of my own needs so I can be there when other people have needs.’

For other people it’s a very easy thing for me to challenge. If I knew someone was sacrificing their needs to help me I would hate it. I would tell them to take care of themselves.

I hate the double standard I have for myself… this is one of the reasons I’m in this class. I need to learn the responsibilities and the reasonable thoughts of average humans. Humans that did not grow up with trauma. Humans that are not afraid to be selfish. Humans that do not feel telling their story burdens everyone else’s life.

I’m really exhausted today. Today I’m going to choose to meet my needs. Today I’m going to choose to take care of me so I can help others when they need it.