More Self-loathing

I want to wrap up in the warm blanket of isolation.

I want to sleep in the comfort of ignorance.

I want to pretend that someone can love me for me.

My dream world collapses around me over and over again.

I am not good enough.

I am not pretty.

I don’t have the right words to say.

Plus I’m fucking crazy.

I dream of love that’s deep and real… But I awake with a knife and threaten anyone who tries.

I wish for someone who desires me… But I settle for someone who will take me.

I hope to be treated with respect… But I find myself a broken over and over again.

I am not worthy.

I am not lovable.

I don’t have what it takes to succeed.

Plus I’m crazy as fuck.

I want to be normal. I want to be healthy. I want to have a life worth living.

So for today I try. I put on the face of someone confident.

I smile. I get my tasks done. I go home exhausted.

I am lonely.

I am sad.

I don’t think I will ever figure out normal.

Because the crazy.

I don’t want to live. I don’t want to die. I want to exist in the other.

The place where no one knows me.

The not so pretty truth