The not so pretty truth

There is something about being awake at 3 am when your brain can focus and things seem super clear.

I had the opportunity to attend a class about consent.  While it was a fantastic experience, what really had me thinking was about broken consent.

Recently I have been dealing with the actions of others. I have been angry and hurt. The offending party has done nothing to amend the situation.

So here I am at 3 am thinking about the topic of restitution. The speaker talked about 5 steps of righting a wrong…  

1. Own up to your offense

2. Apologize sincerely

3. Ask how to make amends

4. Respect/do them

5. Do better

Being humble enough to admit we were not perfect can be hard.  Admitting we did the wrong thing is even worse.  Knowing how my choice impacted someone in a negative way… Really stings.

This is where resolution can truly begin though.  Its the first step in AA for that reason:

We admit we are powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Admit it… 

I acknowledge that my actions hurt you.  I may have done this intentionally or on accident, but it happened.

Speak with sincerity… 

Be real about how you feel. Let the other person know why you want to restore the relationship. Remind them of how loved they are or how appreciative you are. Really show how much you care.

But if you don’t love them? Ask yourself is this person worthy of respect?  Do I truly care about them?  If not, don’t appologize – just leave.*  

If I don’t mean it or am covering my ass, why ask for forgiveness?  At that point I am trying to sooth my guilt/or manipulate the other person. 

Truly, you will feel better but mostly you give them the freedom to heal.  Neither of you need to be in a toxic situation.  If you dont like this person set both of you free.

(Side note) This goes the opposite way too. If someone hurts you and doesn’t respect you enough to truly care… Like the situation I am in… Swallow that ugly truth.  Take your wounded ego and heart and heal.   They are not worthy of the respect or forgiveness you have to offer especially if it is over and over. **

Ask how you can fix it… If it is reasonable take action…  

Do I need to replace that item I broke?  Do I need to pay for counseling?  Do I need to give you space?  Do I need to give you a hug.

It seems easy to take action, but in our normal lives we easily forget things… remind yourself of the restitution that you’re trying to create. Follow up on the actions that you said you would take.

But what if they need space? Give it to them. Stop talking.  Literally….  If they are not ready to forgive or need time… Respect that.  

It can be very hurtful when someone needs time. If I really love this person my heart hurts that I hurt them. Im guilty of not giving space and over apologizing.

“Put down the shovel.” 

I use this phrase a lot. I’m so worried about trying to make them feel safe that the hole I verbally/emotionally created is covered… I continue to shovel after they have forgiven me or asked for space. It is not helping that person though, it is hurting them.  If a wound is healing, and it keeps getting poked with my apology – they are going to end up disliking me even more… And that wound will not heal.

This is the perfect time to learn from your mistakes. Why did I make the choice that hurt the other person? How can I become better? Make an active effort to grow.

This might be something small. Remember to do the tasks promised. Remember to check in with them. Show them the words spoken are true.

This may be much bigger though. You may need help.  If I know X causes Y – I need to stop doing X.  

Does my drinking causes me to disregard others?  Stop drinking.  Find a meeting.  

Does my emotional trauma cause me to not trust and lash out?  Talk to someone trained to help heal.

Use this as a steppingstone.  Use this opportunity to grow.

Because the real truth is time heals wounds, but it takes time and action to restore trust.  It is not easy or quick… But both of you will be in better places.

*yes, this is very overly simplified, but worth a good thinking about.

**please seek the council of someone that can help.  If a person is often apologizing for the same thing or promising that they will change with no result… it is no longer an accident, it is a habit. Abuse can be hard to see when you’re in it, but it can be harder to get out of when you realize it.

The speaker was from an organization that helps educate on consent. Find out more here https://www.consent.academy/