The not so pretty truth

Trigger warning… Over sharing warning… Sexual trauma warning…

I am going to be real and a little too open about situations that happened. I have sought the help of medical and mental health providers. The parties involved are no longer able to contact me. I am healed physically but still working on the emotional part.

I have decided recently that I am worthy of a cup of coffee.

The idea of it sounds silly to me. Of course you’re worthy of a cup of coffee! Everybody’s worthy of a cup of coffee…

But the culture I’ve been accustomed to has shown me that assumption is not true.

Recently I was flirting back and forth with a person online. We had talked about wanting a committed relationship. We decided to meet. I suggested coffee. They said something to the effect of I’ll come over to your house and we can “hang out.”

I had never met them face to face. So I replied maybe after coffee. A day before the date they said let’s skip coffee I’ll come straight over.

If you’re hackles just raised, you know how I feel. That is a huge red flag and I said no thank you.

Before this conversation I was “hanging out” with someone. It was a very casual thing. I decided I wasn’t looking for casual. We amicably parted ways.

Every once in a while they would contact me wanting to hang out. I would say no thank you. The last time they asked why. I said Im looking for a relationship. If you would like to hang out lets go on a proper date… They replied they would check the calendar.

I received a message from them today. It said I know you want a proper date but if you’d like to “hang out” tonight instead, Im available.

I asked them not to contact me again.

The person before this one, and I were supposed to meet for coffee. When I got to the coffee shop they asked me to get into their car. We talked for a while and ended up “hanging out” that night.

It was also a very casual relationship. One that was never seen in public. I had justified it because it was casual.

One night things got rough. They physically hurt me.

***this is my warning. Please skip if you are sensative.

It caused damage to my urethra, it put tears in my vagina, and bruised the whole area.

I’m being specific because I need you to understand the severity. I had bathroom issues for over three weeks. I had nightmares longer.

***

I contacted them. I told them about seeing a doctor. I told them that we should learn from this experience, and that I needed some time away from “hanging out” with people…

Their response was curt. There was no sense of apology, responsibility, or empathy.

I knew then… It was my fault.

I should have said something earlier.

I need to just walk it off.

These are the same thoughts I had after I was raped the first time at the age of 14.

As I said earlier the culture I’m accustomed to dictates that I’m not worthy of a cup of coffee.

I understood this concept when I ran into this person publicly. This 38 year old and I had been dating for several months. When I ran into him, he was with a woman. He acted like he didn’t know me… Like we had never met.

I have been in several relationships like this. In private I was adored. In public I was ignored.

In every situation it was my fault.

I was abused growing up. I understood that I am not to be heard. I understood that “love” was a private topic, and anytime it was brought up I was hushed. In public I was to act ignorant of the pain.

There are amazing people out there, and I have had relationships with several. But the thought haunts me still. That feeling is a big reason I broke up with my last significant partners.

Receiving that email today made me feel like that 14 year old girl seeing her boyfriend. It made me feel like the idiot that allowed someone to go too far. It made me question if I should have just let that person come over the first time we met.

It made me feel like trash.

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I am unworthy. Maybe the priority I’ve asked for in previous situations was inappropriate.

I honestly don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m worth a cup of coffee. This is my first stand. When I ask to be a priority, I’m not asking for much. I am asking to be treated with the respect every human deserves.

I know I’m too sensitive. If you’ve read my blogs previously you’ll have read the story of the guy that canceled the date. A simple act of ignorance… Caused me to blow up.

I may never have a relationship again. I might meet the most amazing person tomorrow. I don’t know my future. I know though, what priority means.

noun

1. the fact or condition of being regarded or treated as more important.

I know I’m worthy of a cup of coffee, and if you think I’m not, that it’s where the conversation will end.

If you are someone you know is in an abusive situation, please reach out to the National domestic abuse hotline 1.800.799.7233