The not so pretty truth

Something very cool happened. I accepted love from myself!

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that self love is not my strong point. More often I find myself on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Last week it happened.

I got into my car to drive to work. I was feeling self-conscious about something, so I began to speak my self affirmations.

I said, “I love you.”

Guess what happened next…

I smiled.

I don’t remember ever smiling because of self-affirmation. I was actually shocked… Did I just smile?

I wanted to make sure… I said it again, “I love you.”

My heart felt warm. I had the thought, “I know.”

Some folks will read that, and not understand. Other folks will read that, and wish they could relate.

When it comes to other people, I encourage them to speak positively of themselves. I know the value of accepting the truth.

At times it’s hard to accept the truth of ourselves. Some of us have been told lies. Some of us have been bullied or abused. Some of us have accepted the negativity of others as the worth of ourselves.

The borderline mind is constantly at war with itself.

The last few years I decided to face it head on. I begin to take DBT classes. I speak with a counselor regularly. Daily I take medication. Weekly I do homework.

I am by no means perfect at this, it has been a battle. There days that it comes easy, and there are days I have to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

When I first started the conversation looked something like this…
Me: I love you
Also Me: (rolls my eyes)
Me: No wonder I don’t love you!

Try again
Me: I love you
Also Me: it’s because you feel guilty like you have to.
Me: (sigh)

Fake it till you make it
Me: I love you
Also Me: This is dumb.
Me: Yep, but practice makes perfect. I love you
Also Me: Whatever…

Friday in my car
Me: I love you
Also Me: (smiles)
Me: (slightly surprised) I love you!
Also Me: I know!

Saying I love you to myself was not an easy task. I force myself to do affirmations when I’m feeling bad about myself.

These affirmations need to be believable. Am I the world’s best? No. Am I awesome? Probably… But it was hard for me to believe it. So I started smaller.

I began going through the alphabet in my mind, and thinking of all the uplifting words that fit me.

A: Amazing… Am I amazing? I don’t feel like I’m telling the truth if I say that. What about amicable?

A: I am amicable.

B: I am bright.

C: Cute? I’m not ready to admit that yet, but I am courteous.

I started going through them everyday multiple times a day. And pretty soon I actually believed it.

Here I am now… Am I awesome? Probably… but until I believe it, I do know I love myself, and that’s a pretty big thing!

If you are ready to find some true affirmations about yourself take a look at this list: https://www.thepositivemom.com/positive-words

If you need help thinking of something that’s good about yourself, ask a friend. Start as small as you need… A? Alive. Some days that feels like a miracle.