The not so pretty truth

I am currently in trauma therapy. The last several weeks have been heavy and very emotionally draining.

Because of this I’ve decided to take a dating hiatus.

In my life I have learned to assume that men only want one thing. While I have made choices that helped solidify this… I have experienced a large amount of other people’s choices that speaks volumes to this.

There have been some people that have come into my life, and they have respected me. Because of this past trauma I treated them very poorly.

Having BPD can be very ugly. My emotions trump the idea that that other people can love me. I struggle with receiving love… Even from my mom, and I know it breaks her heart.

At the time I knew my attitude was irrational. I didn’t understand why I behave the way I do.

I recently discovered I love myself. I’ve recently understood my value. I am worthy of love and respect.

Because of this, I see the actions of others as they intended, not as I understood them.

Tonight I wrote a letter to an amazing boy that I hurt deeply.

While I know most of these relationships are beyond repair… I have decided to put this in the universe.

If I have ever hurt you with my behavior, this letter is for you as well.

———-

Friend,

I have been thinking about you. 

I want to send an apology for my behavior. I don’t know if I told you, but I have borderline personality disorder.

I am currently in trauma therapy. I have recently learned some big things about myself.

The last few days… I understand some of the reasons why I react the way I reacted.

I am not trying to make an excuse for my bad behavior. I am sure I hurt your feelings, and that is not the kind of person I want to be.

I am sorry for treating you like a jerk. I was over sensitive, and unprepared to deal with it. I wish I knew how to talk about it better back then… 

Will you please forgive me?

I think about you a lot.

I hope you’re doing well. I hope you are happy and healthy. I wish you all the best things in the world!

Erica

———-

PS: my mom is getting more than a letter. She is going to get an awkward daughter that will say thank you, and try to believe the truth of her love.