The not so pretty truth

I am reading this educational book on relationships and attachment… The author took a moment to talk about people that play games in their romantic relationships.

Game players… What jerks right?

Wait… What did that just say?

I am a game player? Yep… Me.

A few weeks ago I made a post on Facebook and I talked about obvious things that people understand, that I am just learning.

I never knew how many layers of this onion I call mental health, that I have never seen. The deeper I get, the healthier I am, the more I see how wrong I have been.

I feel like a failure as an adult. Things that most people learned in their young adult phase were passed over my head.

I look back on the things I have said or done…. I hurt other people. I was trying to do the right thing, trying to protect my heart. Instead I have realized I was burning down not only the bridge, I was burning the other persons ego and causing them to question their integrity.

Who am I to question anyones integrity?

I feel horrible.

I was trying to be the good person, to do the right thing, but it turns out I didn’t understand the other person’s perspective… or what they needed.

I cannot allow this to get me down. What we do in ignorance, cannot be undone. The only thing we can do is learn and grow.

I can ask for forgiveness, but I cannot take my actions back. Even if they were done with good intention.

So to the people I played games with… the friends I hurt… the men I blamed… to the innocent bystanders that I didn’t understand.

I cannot keep apologizing. I do hope you can see my heart, and know I never intended you to be burned in the game.