Sometimes I want to burn it all.
The hurtful remark from family, the heartbreak of lost love, the unanswered text message…
I think horrible thoughts of why I am the way I am… And if I just burned it all down I could walk away with a smoke marked smug face, knowing I never have to look back…
… But I always look …
I look back at the tear stained faces of loved ones and the wreckage of pain and heartbreak I leave behind me with my selfish and thoughtless words wanting them to feel the smallest glimpse of the pain my heart always harbors.
The pain is intense and wild and destructive… It screams for blood shed for the smallest transgressions… It gives a fierce battle cry and begins its path of dismal destruction…
… But I always look …
My pain is too intense… They checked out at the first blow… They are struck with confusion as their minds search the wreckage for the match that set this all off…
A simple misunderstood message… A busy forgetful day… A word said in a moment of frustration…
Their walls are brittle and cracked… They are burned out… They cant handle the chaos… The havoc created around them makes their backs turn.
… But I always look …
Guilt ridden hatred burns fresh in the depths of my soul… The self hatred leaves a bitter taste in my mouth… I want to destroy and burn it down… Burn the broken haven I hide behind. This internal battle exhaust any self love I may have.
I tear with words, cut with knives, anything to justify the immense pain I experience internally. My skin bleeds, my bones ache, my head full of broken thoughts and stones cast by my own hand…
… But I always look …
There I lay, in bed of my own creation… The blood flows, the ash mats my hair. The sad little girl stares at me with hollow eyes…
I’ve done it again…
I want to fall to my knees and pick her up and cry promising that I will never cause this chaos again…
But we both know the sound of an empty promise.
If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
The not so pretty truth 
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